Letting Go of Control: Much harder than it sounds

So a friend asked me to share my insight, or a story, about dealing with the urge to always be in control. More specifically, obsessing about how others act as well as over analyzing their actions and non-actions. Given my life long struggles with anxiety which is in part due to constantly worrying about others and the things they do, I can definitely offer some advice. Not being able to control my environment, or at least having a firm grasp on everything happening around me, tends to make my anxiety spike. So here is a story of dealing with this type of situation and then being able to let go..

I had (keyword: had) this friend who constantly made TERRIBLE decisions. We had been friends for a very long time and were very close. They often did wild and crazy things which was fun when we were younger. As we got older, I found that his old antics started to bother me and were causing me tons of anxiety. When the time was right for that type of stuff, it was fine. But the older you get the more immature that type of behavior becomes. Prank calling people, running around in stores yelling and touching everything, being loud and obnoxious at restaurants, and other things like that are somewhat understandable when you're in middle school/junior high (Please note, we never did this when our parents were around..yall know momma Paysinger don't play that). When you're a senior in high school or a freshman in college, that type of behavior is just embarrassing. If you're 16 and older reading this right now and you still do this, get your life together. Anyways, my boy was always acting ridiculous in public. To the point where I was ashamed to hang out with him. I was embarrassed for myself but I felt even worse for him. I felt there had to be some reason why he was acting the way he did. It was more than him trying to get attention. There was a deeper issue. Many times I would try to talk to him about the things he was doing. Every time I brought up the subject he would avoid discussion or change the topic. My breaking point came when he got himself into a HUGE situation. I helped him get out of it but his parents did not know what happened. One day we were at his house and his mom was telling us that she heard a story from a friend about a boy that had done something pretty bad. As she continued it turned out that she was talking about her own son but had no clue it was him. As I looked at him hoping he had some sort of plan just in case she started to connect the dots, he proceeds to tell his mother that it was me who had done everything she was talking about. He said that in fact I was over there at their house that day to talk to them (his parents) about everything before I told my parents. He told his mom that before she walked in, that we were discussing things. It all happened so fast that I had no idea how to respond. Luckily, given my relatively perfect past, his mom said that she would keep the "secret" from my parents. Although I did not get in trouble, I was livid! How could my "boy" throw me under the bus for something I didn't do?! If it was so easy for him to go against our friendship to save himself, how good of friends were we really? Needless to say my constant worrying about his behaviors/actions was amplified now. When I told him how I felt, he basically brushed it off and laughed at me. He said that he did what he had to in order to protect himself and since I didn't get in trouble, there was no need for me to be upset. Our friendship was becoming clear at this point...there wasn't one! It was hard to realize because we were so close and just like brothers, or so I thought. I had one final talk with him to let him know about his constant embarrassing behavior as well as that infuriating incident. We sat, we talked, and once again he disregarded everything I had to say.

It was at this point that I had to do some serious thinking about all this. Do I just shake it all off and get over it? Should I keep trying to talk to him? Do I forget EVERYTHING that he had done (there is a bunch of stuff I did not include in this story)? Or do I cut ties with him? Cutting ties would help my anxiety and would allow me not to obsess over his behavior any longer. On the other hand losing my close friend could cause me to worry too, so why not keep my friend if I am just going to worry anyways?

Ultimately, I decide to cut ties with him. It took me a while to come to this decision but I had to let go of it all. We had a lot of good times and memories but why should I suffer worrying about him if he didn't care about me or himself for that matter? After all, his actions wouldn't affect me any longer if we weren't friends. I had to let it all go. No more worrying, no more obsessing, and no more anxiety caused my his actions. It was time to let our friendship go. Was it hard to do? Of course. Was it hard not having my friend around anymore? Definitely. Did I eventually feel better from having that stress off my shoulders? Absolutely.

Hope this helps!

Justin