Continue to let go Justin...you have to let it go.

Many of my blog posts deal with my views on relationships, chivalry, love, romance, and other related topics. Among those, there have been posts where I confess secrets from my past in an attempt to finally let go of those demons. This will be one of those posts. What I am about to reveal has been a secret that I have never shared with a single soul. Friends and family that I am closes with have no clue about this. And before I proceed, I want to apologize to all of them for not allowing them to help me when I definitely needed the support. I have never been one to share my feelings or let people in, emotionally, past a certain point. But I assure you I am doing my best to be better about not closing myself off and allowing others to help me just as I do for them. 

Before I get started, I want you all to know that it took me a while to muster up the courage to share this story. I am not the first person to deal with this and will absolutely not be the last. Also, I know there are many people that have had similar experiences but are in denial and will likely never admit to dealing with this problem. Hopefully after reading this you will find it within yourself to face your issues. 

With all that said here it goes…In college, around my sophomore year, I struggled with very intense self-image issues. Thinking back to those days, I remember absolutely hating the way I looked. My body, my face, everything…I hated it all. No matter how hard I trained with my teammates, I always felt like I was putting on weight. My weight would stay consistent and in a good range for my position but I felt as if I was gaining at least 10lbs a day. I had young ladies that were interested in me and would tell me that I was attractive. Despite their flattering comments, I never agreed. In fact, the more I heard it, the more I felt unattractive. I am a good guy so I just figured they were being nice and saying nice things although they really felt I was ugly. Every day, I would wake up and look at myself in the mirror with the deepest form of disgust for what I saw. 

In order to “fix” myself I started forcing myself to throw up multiple times throughout the day. Anytime I would eat, I soon follow it up with making myself vomit to get all the food out. Now, I understood all the health risk associated with this type of behavior. In fact, I was helping other student-athletes work through similar problems. I wish I could express to you the hatred I had towards myself as I told a friend how dangerous their actions were and then I go home and make myself throw up. It was bad, very bad. Soon I stopped eating all together. In my mind, no food intake would force my body to lose weight. Within a given week I would maybe eat one actual meal. The rest of the time, I drank water to help satisfy the feelings of hunger or I would eat a few pretzel sticks. But if ate too many pretzels I would make myself throw up. From about early August to the beginning of October, I lost nearly 50lbs. I was always tired and had zero energy. However, my life had to go on as normal so no one would catch on to my problem. When my coaches and teammates started to recognize the weight loss they obviously asked me what was going on. My common excuse was that I just didn’t have an appetite. My strength coaches would actually sit at meals with me and watch me eat a plate of food they prepared. I would force it down, appease them all, and then head home to vomit it up. Sometimes I would feel so disgusted, that I couldn’t even make it home to throw up. I would simply pull around the corner into an empty lot and throw up there. My way of somewhat keeping them off my back was to not let my weight room numbers drop nor allow my performance on the field to be affected. I would put in extra time in the weight room to make sure I was constantly getting stronger despite my severe weight loss. That in turn allowed me to continue my high level of play on the field because I would simply out muscle my opponents. I will admit, on a daily basis, while working out I felt as if I was going to pass out. I was so weak most days but I had to push through in order to keep my secret. One day we had to max on a certain lift but I was getting light headed from just stretching. I knew it wouldn’t be long before I passed out. I went to the bathroom and passed out in the stall. Once I woke up, luckily only a few minutes had gone by. I threw some water on my face and walked out the bathroom as if nothing happened. I then went to my bar, loaded my weights, and proceeded to record the highest max of the day. The entire time I felt as if I was going to faint yet again. But I forced myself to push through that wall and ignore those feelings. The more I pushed through, the easier it became to do it every day. Being in class, at practice, in meetings, or during games, I always felt like passing out. My vision would get hazy and my body weak. Regardless, I had to push through. No one could know what was going on. Honestly, after a while, living this way felt normal. I had become so good at “disguising” the truth that I just seemed to convince myself that I could go on like this forever. Plus the skinnier I became, the more defined my face was, and the better looking I looked…at least to myself. I still had issues taking compliments from people because I thought they were just being nice to sweet ole Justin. 

This behavior went on for nearly a year. Again, I had no intentions of giving it up. It wasn’t until one day I was in my room having just made myself vomit that I realized I had to change. As I was sitting in my room, I felt a sharp pain in my chest that would come and go. After about 5 minutes, my heart started to flutter and I had a cramping like pain in my chest. With this, I couldn’t breathe either. It was like I was suffocating and being stabbed in the chest all at the same time. My limbs started to go numb and vision was blurred. This lasted for nearly a minute but it felt like hours.  My entire body felt like it was shutting down. I hope you can imagine the fear I felt as that minute passed. Naturally I thought I was dying. I was alone in my room and my roommate had no reason to come in to my room. Therefore, it would have been hours until someone found me, whether I had just went unconscious or actually died. Can you understand the anguish that would have caused my family and friends? Especially my mother!!  Makes me emotional just thinking about it.

Honestly, I’m not sure what happened that day. It could have been a heart attack, a mere loss of breath, a heart flutter issue, etc…It really doesn’t matter. What does matter is on that day I understood that incident as being a direct result of my poor health habits. The food deprivation, forced vomiting, and making my body exert itself when it clearly did not want to, were all destructive behaviors that led to that day in my room. I don’t care what anyone says, in my mind, that’s what caused it all. Admittedly, things didn’t change overnight. However, I made a committed and conscious effort to slowly get myself better. Slowly, I started realizing that I was not as “ugly” as I saw myself to be. Also, I was not gaining weight with every bite of food. I still do not know where those thoughts came from in the first place. I had always been a very secure person. But something changed and I hurt myself in very harsh ways. To this day, I have times where I am not happy with the person I see in the mirror. These occurrences are rare but they still happen. However, I think back to that day in my room and remember how awful of an experience that was for me. This helps me push those negatives thought away and get back to my secure and extremely self-confident way of life.

As with all my post in which I reveal the darkness from my past, I do not want anyone’s sympathy. I merely want to let go of these things that weigh on my heart day in and day out. Also, I trust no one judges me for the things I shared in this post. It may seem a bit foolish for a collegiate football player to deal with bulimia and self-image issues. But believe it or not, I am not the only one. Many people, especially athletes battle with similar problems. However, many will never admit it to themselves, much like I did not do for a long time. For those of you in denial about your problems, my hope is that this blog will help you finally face the truth. Trust me, it feels so much better to get it out. Please, no more hiding from what is real and no more pretending it didn’t happen. Face your past and even your present to help provide yourself with a better future.

Here’s to a better you…and me!

Justin

Oh you're shy? Well its time to change!

I have been going back and forth with a friend about the need for her to put aside her nervousness and go after this guy. This friend has many great attributes but yet constantly lets her shyness keep her from putting herself in position to be with guys that she is interested in dating. Therefore, to that person that has amazing qualities but let’s their shyness get in the way of being with that special guy or girl, this blog is for you. I am confident that you will find some sort of motivation to push past your personal barriers and go get that person you want. 

Let’s start with discussing why you’re shy about interacting with someone you’re interested in romantically. Here are some common questions the timid person is likely to toil with:  What if they turn me down? What if they don’t like me? Am I good looking enough? Are they too good for me? Can I really make them happy? Do they like my body? What will their friends think? Do we have anything in common? What if they find someone better? Will they treat me right? Will my friends like them? What if my family doesn’t like them? Is there really a future for us? 

These are all valid questions. But you know what, none of it matters! The time you’ve wasting over analyzing the situation, that other person, who you know isn’t good enough, has just got the date. The moments you let slip by without opening your mouth and telling that person how you feel…well I hate to tell you this but you just missed out…again! Stop worrying about what ifs and just go for it. The worst thing that can happen is that the person doesn’t feel the same and turns down your request for a date. Guess what, that is actually good news. You’re an amazing person by nature. Everyone around you can see that. In fact, your presence alone just screams out “I’m a great person.” Therefore, they can already sense that you’re a good individual before you even open your mouth. If they turn you down, it’s their loss. They have just missed out on a great opportunity to be happy. Its ok, I assure you. Just think, now you have eliminated someone not good enough for you and continued to clear the path towards the person you were meant to be with. And despite how “real” your feelings are for that person that turned you down; if they don’t have reciprocal feelings then things weren’t as “real” as you thought. You should be glad they were honest enough to turn you down. Imagine the hurt you would experience had they accepted your date out of pity with no intentions of things going anywhere. So while you have dreamed up this beautiful night and future for the two of you, they are merely trying to make it through the date with as little awkwardness as possible. Don’t do that to yourself. Again, allow the path to clear for that special person; that person who wants you just as you do them. 

Don’t let your shyness dictate your happiness. There is no valid reason for you to miss out because you “don’t know what to say.” Or the excuse,” I just can’t do it, I’m really too shy.”  Stop it!! You do know what to say. I know you’ve practice that moment over and over and over again. You have already mapped out exactly what, when, where, and how it will be said. You have also imagined how that person will respond. So it is complete nonsense to use the excuse “I don’t know what to say.” Think about this, would you rather hide behind your shyness and be lonely or step up and go get what you want?! If you really want to be with this person, nothing will stop you from giving yourself a chance to be with them. If you really just cannot put aside your shyness for this person, then maybe you need to reevaluate whether or not you legitimately want to be with them. If these were legit feelings, your shyness would be a non-factor. 

I am speaking from a place of experience. This shy person constantly missing out and always over analyzing, this was me for a huge portion of my life. I was the guy that could never get it right. I always lost to the other guy, when it came to girls. I was always destined to be in that horrible place called the friend zone. I could never tell the girl how I felt but I made myself a great friend because at least I got to be around them. I had to suffer through watching them date terrible guy after terrible guy, knowing I was the one that could make her happy. Yet I never said anything because I was “too shy.” In my earlier years of college I had enough. There was a girl that I cared for deeply and was certain that we should be together. However, I could never get the nerve to tell her how I felt. Every day, we hung out and talked…but the simple words “I. like. you.” never came out. I would listen to her talk about the qualities she wanted in a guy and knew I was all of that and more. But no, my shyness and fear of what ifs kept me from going down that road. Well the one night I finally got up the nerve to tell her how I felt, I get a call as I am going to her house. The call is from this girl and she is telling me that some dude just asked her out and she really likes him. To make it worse she thanked me for being such a great friend and for listening to her vent about her ideal guy. Now, take a second and imagine how you would feel if in this situation. After nearly a year, you are finally going for it and just like that another person is in the spot you’ve dreamed about. And your guy/girl is thanking you for it!! In case you’ve never experienced this, it hurts badly! After I dealt with the hurt, I decided never again. My shyness was done determining my romantic life’s fate…done! Not another girl that I was sincerely interested in would go without knowing how I felt. Now whether they feel the same or not is out of my control so I don’t worry about that. I just cross the bridge that presents itself once they know. 

So to all you shy folks out there reading this, you have to change or you will continue to come up short. I know it’s uncomfortable but consider the alternative…a life filled with continued loneliness and unfulfilled desires. The choice is yours. 

Here’s to the new you. 

Justin

Dear Crossfit, I thank you...

Someone once told me that if you’re not getting better, you’re getting worse. This was likely from a coach during my playing days but I have transferred this message over to my everyday life. There is not a day that goes by where I do not actively go out of my way to get better in some form or fashion. However, just like most people, I have my day to day struggles that inhibit my overall personal and professional growth. It is this idea of life struggles that sparked the idea for the premise of this blog post. Just as in previous post, I am going to be completely honest with all of you in an effort to continue to let go of the darkness from my past.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I had a career ending back injury during my senior season of football in college. In the year leading up to that point, I had two back surgeries and multiple epidurals. Each surgery was roughly two hours long. After this injury, I had to undergo a more serious surgery to repair my back. The surgery was nearly 9 hours long in which my surgeons fused my lower spine from L3 and down. The first 4 hours consisted of them going through my stomach to take out my disc and replace them with what’s called spacers. They sewed me up and then flipped me over and entered metal cages and screws through incisions in my lower. This part lasted about another 4-5 hours. So I have one scar across my stomach that looks like a smiley face (its kind of weird) and three vertical scars on my lower back. I had to be on bed rest for about 5 weeks after surgery. After that time period, it would be another year before I would be able to do any sort of strenuous physical activity that I had come accustomed to throughout my time as an athlete. Imagine going from training as a D1 collegiate football player to not even being able to stand for longer than 15mins without being in pain. After about 6 months I started doing some physical rehab in the pool and light core work. However, it just was not the same and it was hard to deal with, emotionally. Needless to say, the transition out of being a competitive athlete was a definite struggle especially given the fact that I was unable to train. So while others found hobbies such as intramural, recreational, and club sports to fill their void, I was stuck walking with a cane and using tools to help put on my clothes. I don’t tell you that for your pity but rather to put things in perspective. 

Once I did my time and got clearance to work out again, it was hard finding the motivation to train again. The extent of my working out, at the time, consisted of walking on a treadmill while watching bad television or ESPN. I had become the stereotypical “Globo” gym goer that walked day after day on the treadmill without any sort of measurable gains in fitness. I made friends at the gym and we would talk while walking and share stories from our lives. The staff knew me by name because I came in at the same time every day. I was a regular and, admittedly, I started to like that normal lifestyle. It was not until one day that I was walking to my treadmill, getting my mind right for the workout ahead, when I saw this lady on her cell phone and cutting her fingernails while on her treadmill. I stopped in my tracks and it hit me that I had become yet another gym statistic just wasting time and energy. I was not much better than this disgusting woman actually cutting her finger nails on the treadmill and letting them fall on to the belt and then onto the floor. I promptly turned around, got my stuff out of my locker, and walked out the front doors never to return again. 

After this revelation, I felt I needed to rediscover myself as an athlete and a competitor. At first I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. My back felt better but I still was not able to do anything too active. It was about this time when I remembered my strength coaches from college getting involved with Crossfit. Some of our teams had started doing it and a few of my teammates were actively Crossfitting as well. I remembered them all mentioning they loved the competitiveness and community that Crossfit provided. They said it was close to the feeling of being on a team again. With this in mind, I decided to look up Crossfit gyms here in Lubbock. After typing in “Crossfit Lubbock” in my Google search, the first result was a link to Capstone Crossfit. I did not know that by clicking on that link that my life would be changed forever. 

I started at Capstone Crossfit on May 17, 2010. Since that day, the people at Capstone Crossfit have done more for me that they will ever know. Anyone that knows me can attest to the fact that achieving success in all that I do is my driving force. There is nothing average about my life. Everything I do is done in a respectable and noteworthy manner. However, the year after my surgery I had drifted so far away from this lifestyle. I was average and nothing more. But Crossfit helped me find myself again. I loved getting absolutely destroyed during workouts. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. My athletic past was a non-factor at first. I couldn’t muscle my way through these workouts like I could in a game going up against a big d-lineman. Realizing that despite my 10+ years of football, I was on the low end of the Crossfit totem pole. This forced me to train harder and harder like I once did. I also had to force myself to re-establish my mental toughness. I had become weak mentally but Crossfit made me retrain my mind. All the true competitors reading this right now know that your mind will keep you going even when your body feels as if it has no more to give. Crossfit pulled me up from my darkness and brought me back to life. I had to change my entire physical and mental approach if I was to ever be somewhat respectable at Crossfit. 

Things get much deeper than that though. Crossfit changed me in other ways as well. The people at Capstone come from all different walks of life. They all have a story, some good and some bad. But they all respect one another. As a member of the sporting world you often get stuck in the sports bubble. By that I mean you have a hard time relating to anyone who is not involved with sports. Crossfit is filled with people who never played sports competitively. They are the type of people that would come to see others like me play. We appreciated their support but we rarely associated with them. There is almost an arrogance that comes with being an athlete. You feel as if you’re above others in certain ways. I am guilty of this too. In fact, most are even if they won’t admit it to themselves. However, Crossfit continues to humble me in this regard. It makes you appreciate everyone for their abilities and skills. On a given day the person who finished in last the day before can blow the workout out of the water and beat everyone. You learn to respect everyone despite your preconceived notions of their abilities. Also, Crossfit people are just good people all around (for the most part). On a good day, the Crossfit gym will make you feel even better. On the other side, bad days seem to just fade away once you walk into the gym and see all your fellow Crossfitters ready to put in some work. The sense of family and community is real. The people there sincerely care about you. You become great friends and relevant in each others lives outside of the gym. Crossfit gives you a confidence that is hard to find in other recreational sporting realms. Insecurities that once plagued your life start to fade away slowly but surely. You become proud of everything in your life. You learn to accept yourself just the way you are. 

The workouts, the people, the community, and the family that Crossfit has to offer is destined to make an impact in anyone’s life. So to all those apart of my Capstone Crossfit family and to all Crossfitters around the world, thank you. You helped this once lost soul, stricken with one hardship after another, to rediscover himself and establish an unwavering resiliency that will never be broken again. 

Here’s to finding that “thing” which helps you to keep moving forward even when you can’t see what lies ahead. 

Justin

I am ready to take the next step in life...but im nervous!

For the past couple of months I have been feeling as if something big was going to happen in my life relatively soon. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was but I was sure something was coming. However, I recently figured things out…or so I think. 

Only a few people close to me know this little tidbit that I am about to share. For a very long time I had a deep intense fear of commitment. I wasn’t always like this though. When it came to relationships, I gave all I had to the girl: Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially (within reason), and everything else that goes into a romantic partnership. Making everyday a special day for her was fun for me. There was nothing more satisfying than doing little things, every single day, so she knew she was the most wonderful woman in the world to me and no else made me happy like she did. It was like an inner challenge to always out do my last doing. However, there was that one girl that broke me. She was the first and has been the last since that time. When I say she broke me, I mean exactly that. I wasn’t right for a long while. There’s no need to go into details about what happened. Just know it took me nearly a year to get back to my old self. I was so angry with her but even more disgusted in my own self for allowing someone to have that type of power over me. That was a dark time in my life. I wasn’t Justin. I wasn’t the guy everyone had come to know and admire. I was plagued with bitterness and hurt. Unable to push it all aside and move forward. I woke up one morning and hated everything about my life at the time.

Another issue for me, is the fact that there are so many loveless and negative relationships today. I know multiple couples that sincerely dislike one another. But instead of breaking up and facing reality, they stay together out of convenience. This was clear in my parents’ marriage. They got to a point where love was long gone and they were simply dealing with one another. They probably thought if they faked it, my brothers and I wouldn’t know. But we knew. There was nothing there anymore. Luckily they are now divorced and can stop the lies. Other married couples I know are the same way. Day after day they go to a cold loveless home. You walk in their house and you can feel the animosity between them just suffocating everyone. Now, I know married couples go through rough times. And marriage is damn hard. However, you can tell when two people are dealing with the bad but their love is still intact. And you can tell when two people have clearly fallen out of love. It is these individuals that add fuel to my relationship issues. Divorce, for me, is not an option. I believe that the long lasting and grueling love that my grandparents had is still possible. It takes a lot more that I am even aware of right now. But I am committed to that type of love. To see people get divorced so easily these days makes me weary though. What if I’m not different? What if that is my fate too? To be married for 20+ years and then get divorced is crazy to me. You were happy together once, you can be happy together again. Work, you have to work for it. I will say though that cheating is something I will never stand for. So if my wife decides to do that, we will be done. I’ve seen firsthand what that can do to a family and mark my words, I will NEVER accept it, ever! And don’t tell me you have to be married first to really know if you will accept it or not. I respectfully disagree. It will NEVER be something I tolerate. Just to make that clear. Anyways, where was I? Yes, a loveless and dull relationship is not on option for me. When I find that special girl that makes me change my mind about guarding my feelings and keeping one foot in and one out, we are in it for the long haul. And it will be amazing. 

With all that said. Remember I said I have had this feeling that something big was coming. Well, I really do think I figured it out. It did not come easy. A lot of prayer, personal reflection, and with the help of this book I am reading, it seems to all be clear to me now. It is weird to say, but I am ready. Ready to let my guard down and find…the one. I am finally in a place personally and emotionally where I am ready to take the next step and settle down with someone special and start a new life together. I want to push aside my fear of commitment and my uneasiness with serious relationships and take that step. This may seem to most as not being a big deal. However, for me, this is a HUGE deal. You have no clue, this time last year or even 6 months ago, how far away from this mindset I was. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. Constantly liking one girl after another and always having my eye on someone who was going to be “the one.” It was all a lie. None of those girls mattered to me. There has only been one in nearly two years that I thought things might go somewhere. It wasn’t that long ago and I really truly care about this girl, still to this day. She is an amazing friend that I hold very high in my life. But even that didn’t pan out for the two us. So what was I to think? Even with someone that things should be very good with, as far as a relationship, they didn’t work out.  But I am ready. It is time and I am ready to allow myself to let it happen when the time is right. No more pulling away when those deep feelings arise. Now, please note, this isn’t going to happen tomorrow, next week, or likely anytime soon. It will definitely be a process. And I will be moving extremely slow so I can filter the quality women from the ones that will just be a waste of my time. And by that, I mean I know we have no sort of future together. Who knows though, that special girl may already be in my life in some way. “The one” may be reading this blog right now. I have no clue who she is or where she is. However, I do know I am ready to be with her. It’s funny; many of my friends my age that are married or engaged always tell me that they just knew when the time was right. Until now I thought they were crazy. Of course I wished them nothing but happiness and love but it just didn’t seem to be like something for me. To me you just didn’t go from being single or in a casual/semi-serious relationship to just knowing it was time to take the next step with that person. Life didn’t work like that, at least not in my mind. You had to be well established personally and professionally before thoughts of settling down were to ever be in your mind. But, admittedly, I was wrong. 

So here is to taking the next step in life. Finally letting go of more of my past and accepting the blessings that are in store for my future…and the future Mrs. Justin Paysinger ;-) 

Justin