It’s amazing the thoughts that can come from a single picture...

Over the holidays, I was able to sit and talk with my grandfather as I usually do when home. We always talk, share stories, and have some laughs. I am constantly reminded at just how fortunate I am to have a man like him in my life. My grandfather is a quiet man but is full of life. When he speaks, you listen. A man driven by routine in that he starts his day with the news and a specific list of television shows: Matlock, In the Heat of the Night, and about three different court TV shows. The middle of the day is spent running errands, doing yard work, or fixer upper projects around the house. The evenings consist of watching Family Feud, PTI, ESPN, and usually a basketball, baseball, or football game. This is his routine day in and day out. To some, it may seem a bit boring to basically do the same thing every day. But it works for him and he’s happy. And at his age, that’s really all we can ask for.

This last trip home though, our conversations were a bit different. I gave a gift to each member of my immediate family accompanied with a note. The gift is something that was designed to strengthen our family and bring us all closer. The note brought out some emotions for a few of my family members but one in particular was my grandfather; A man that usually shows very little emotion. I walked in at the tail end of him reading the note and he was visibly moved by what he read. I sat and he was quiet for a few minutes, just staring at the note clearly trying to gather his thoughts. When he finally said something, he started by thanking me. Next, he started to give me some history on our family name as well as insight on some of my ancestors. This was all information that I never heard before and I loved it! Then he started talking about my grandmother but that was a short lived conversation. He told me a few things about her that I didn’t know and as my curious mind started firing off questions, he quickly changed the subject. I tried to guide us back but he wouldn’t let me get very far. On my last attempt, he was starting to get emotional so I backed off. My curiosity was not worth making my grandfather uncomfortable. I soon had to leave but as I walked the hallway to the front door, I saw this old picture…

Look at these two…my grandparents. Young, in love, and the future of our family in their hands. Two people that were ride or die for one another and truly lived for each other. When I saw this picture, it all made sense…

My grandfather was holding back emotions from memories that he likely hadn’t visited in a long time. My grandmother passed away in 2009 and it was devastating to everyone. But I guess I have never thought about what life is like for him since my grandmother passed. Your better half for decade after decade no longer by your side has to be so hard. The thought alone nearly brings me to tears and I have not ever experienced anything remotely close to what these two had together. This man handles it all so well though. Even when she passed, sure he shed tears but overall he stayed strong. He held his head high with poise while others could barely speak from being overcome with anguish. But not my grandfather, the one person who earned the right to be inconsolable. As I sorted through all my thoughts after seeing this picture, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of pride. A pride in my grandfather and everything he stands for: strength, loyalty, trustworthiness, caring, compassion, and chivalry. All the qualities that I do my very best to embody and exhibit every single day! And for someone like me that enjoys making others happy, it’s no secret that I learned so much of this from him. I learned all about being a man. Unfortunately, these are lesson that many men are not able to experience. However, I am grateful to have him in my life. This a man that dedicated his life to taking care of those closest to him and that’s exactly what I hope to be one day: A good man that does whatever necessary for the woman in his life. A man that provides for his family and works tirelessly to ensure they do not go without and have a quality upbringing. A man that, every day, gets up set out to be better than he was the day before.

My hope is that all men have a figure in their life that serves as a model of how to be a real man. Someone that they can look to and learn how to always say Please and never forget the Thank You. Help those in need and show care for those who need it most. Go above and beyond for your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife. With her, always be mindful of your words and actions. And she should never doubt how you feel because you will take every available opportunity to show her she is the center of your world. Sure it may come off as too much, especially if you’re just dating, so adjust your efforts according to your situation and the preference of your lady. Just never lose sight of how bad it will feel to lose the privilege of showing her how special she is to you once she’s gone whether it due to break up, divorce, or sadly if she leaves this earth before you do. Also, find a woman that appreciates your chivalry and gets excited about you. Someone that is proud to call you her own because she knows, out of all the lackluster men in the world, she is blessed enough to have one of the few good ones. Outside of your leading lady, be sure to shower your kids with love and affection but also discipline them when they get out of line. Guide them in life but also give them the autonomy to think on their own. They’ll exceed in some areas and will fall hard in others. Regardless, your love and support should never run out. Whether good or bad, be responsible for your actions. Take accountability for the things you say and do. Make time for your friends and reminisce about the good ole days. Don’t make enemies but rather find common ground with everyone regardless of how much they may piss you off. Protect and preserve your house at all costs. Always be willing to sacrifice your well-being to keep the people you care about safe. Be led by your faith and expect the same of those in your household. And at the end of the day, be the type of man that the generations after you can be proud of.  

Here’s to my grandfather and to the remaining few good men in the world.

-JPay

And then there was Lubbock, Texas…

Often I get asked about my career to this point. Inevitably, when I tell people that I spent four years in Lubbock, Texas they respond with a “oh boy, that sucks” or “I bet being in that town was terrible.” My personal favorite is “Lubbock? That’s a place?”…The reactions are pretty comical to me. Honestly, it has taken me some time to truly appreciate Texas and Lubbock as it deserves. I was one of those people that would scoff at the thought of Lubbock and having to live there. But as time went on I realized all that Lubbock had done for me. That is what todays post is about. Reflecting on my time in the one place I would have never expected to grow as much as I did.

Now, it would be easy to rant about all the bad times I had or focus on Lubbock’s short comings but that’s not what I want to do. There was so much good about my time in Lubbock that I want to focus on those memories. And where better to start than with my job. With this being my first professional “big boy” job, I was so excited when I go hired. Side note, I received and accepted the job offer on my 24^th birthday. My family and I proceeded to go celebrate with some Korean BBQ and a few (ok more than a few) libations! I started work on October 1, 2009 and I never looked backed. Coming in, I was charged with taking the Life Skills program to new heights. My boss was fantastic and gave me the freedom to do as I wanted (within reason) to ensure we had a comprehensive program for our student-athletes. In my four years we did exactly that! We truly a built a program to be proud of and one that we loved showing off. Within our office, I enjoyed most of the coworkers I had over my time there (“most” being the word of focus here). We had a lot of laughs and a saw of lot of change together. From press box on Friday’s, to our entertaining staff meetings, food days, many of our ridiculous conversation topics, and of course Justin (yeah this guy) always referring to himself as THEE Director of Student-Athlete Affairs to our guests and recruits…good times all around! But don’t get it wrong; just like any close knit group we had our issues and disagreements. There were plenty of days I left wanting to curse one of them out. But we always got through those times and for that I am thankful. We could have all been in a far worse work environment, and some of the staff had before, so we should all be grateful. And then there were my other athletic department coworkers. Some I knew better than others. Our administrators and coaches all had their unique personalities. A few of the coaches and I did WORK when it came to recruiting. We really had a good flow. And for the coaches and administrators that I spent time with outside of work, haha well, all I need to say is thank you for the memories. To those individuals I am referring to, please take a minute to think of your favorite moments in time with JPay! We had an amazing group of student-athletes too. Overall they really were a great bunch of young adults that cared for one another. They made my job pretty easy when it came to certain aspects of our programming. I loved seeing them grow and mature throughout their time. My first freshman class of student-athlete from when I started either graduated this past spring or they’re finishing up now. They have grown so much and I am sincerely sad I am not there to see you cross that finish line at graduation. Just know I am so proud of you. And was everything fun and fantastic about my time at Texas Tech? No. But as I look back on things, it really was a solid four years with some amazing people and for that I thank you all.

And then there was Capstone Crossfit. Probably some of the best people I have been around to date. My Crossfit family will ALWAYS have a special place in my life. Once I got cleared from my back surgery, one of my coworkers and now great friends, Hilary Sanders, and I went down to Capstone for our introductory lessons. There to greet us was this tatted white dude with a backwards hat blasting hip hop and talking like he was down. So naturally I was hesitant to like him at first. Where I come from guys like this are usually posers trying to be cool. But little did I know that this guy, Russell Butler, would become one of my closest friends in Lubbock and in life for that matter. I still remember Thursday’s being max days and him always making me lift by myself because my strength was coming back much quicker than ever anticipated and there was no one on my level. Yeah, I was kind of a big deal…kidding. I guess in reality I was like the smelly kid that played alone on the playground. Over time I would come to make friends with so many people at Capstone. The Brandiger’s and Osborne’s, our gym owners, are nothing short of extraordinary. They are the ones that had the faith in me to be their Crossfit Football coach and allowed me to get my certification as well as run my own class. Talk about fun times! No one will ever forget “This Is Gonna Suck” Saturday workouts or the crowd favorite post workout Tummy Tummy Time (in my devious voice). I also can’t fail to recognize all my fellow coaches: Russell (who I already mentioned), Steven, Geoff, Ally, Garrett, Niraj, Jordan, John, Christina, Jason, Andy, and newly added Kasey. Now what I need those reading this to understand is that we went as hard outside the gym as we did during workouts. Does anyone remember Spring and Summer of 2012? From all the nights out at The Office or The Roof or even, dare I say it, Chances R! And then there was the infamous LA Trip that is only to be discussed within the group…Ha! And we can’t forget the 2012 Cinco de Mayo party! Jake, Nathan, and Britt will laugh when I say “I don’t know what happened, I was just sitting there…..” Let’s also not fail to mention last year’s 27^th birthday party, the 13.6 party from this spring, or the Going Away party in September…If you missed out, I really do feel bad for you. Overall, to my boys, I can’t thank yall enough for everything. To my homegirls, yall know who you are, thank you for always being there for me and for all the good times.

And then there was Experience Life, the church that changed me forever. Prior to my time at E-Life I was a person who relied solely on his good deeds and “being a good person” as his rationale for not needing to attend church regularly or form a true relationship with Christ. In my eyes, I was just fine and would get through the pearly gates because I was a nice person. But I now know how wrong I was. And honestly, had it not been for Loren and Jeff Richardson, I may have never joined E-Life. Loren worked in my office and every week for months asked me to attend church with her and Jeff. Week after week I turned down the invite. But their last week in town before moving away I agreed to come along. Little did I know there would be no turning back. Pastor Chris and his staff pulled me in from my first visit and from that point, week after week, I had to be there. The energy and spirit in that church was addicting and I had to have more. Soon I made the decision to commit my life to Christ and was honored to have this done at E-Life. That still is one of the greatest days of my life. I get emotional thinking about it to this day. Every day I thank the Lord for leading me to him because I was so lost before. There were plenty of dark days in my past. Honestly, there were a few times when I probably should have lost my freedoms or possibly my life. But even not knowing him, he delivered me from my self-inflicted pain and destruction. After committing my life to him, I still have days where I want to give up when life doesn’t go in my favor, but I am able to keep moving forward. Through prayers, faith, and an understanding that I will never be dealt a situation that I cannot handle, I am able to continuously get up despite circumstances that knock me down. The extreme anxiety I once battled on a daily bases...well let’s just say it is not even a fair fight anymore. I rarely get rattled and hardly have anxiety attacks anymore. And when I do, I kid you not, I laugh them off. I am in such a better place in my life and I sometimes struggle to truly articulate how I feel about it all. There is not day that goes by when I am not in constant prayer and thanksgiving for my spiritual walk. So to the Richardson’s, E-Life, and all those that helped keep me in line with my faith…Thank You!

Listen, we all know Lubbock, TX is not this booming city that is at the forefront of everyone’s mind. But Lubbock is filled with great people and tons of magnificent opportunities for those that take the time to look for them. I would have never expected to meet some of my closest friends while in Lubbock. Nor did I ever think that my spiritual walk would begin in Lubbock either. But it did. And I could not be more grateful. The memories I have from my time there will last forever. Everyone I came in contact with will forever be part of my heart and we will always be connected. Life long bonds have been formed and whether yall like it or not, you are all stuck with me…accept it now! So from the bottom of my heart, to every person I came in contact with and the memories we created…Thank You.

Here’s to you Lubbock.

JPay

Even at your lowest, you have to find the strength to FIGHT!

This post is going to be the most vulnerable I have allowed myself to be in long time and likely ever. As of late, I have been fairly open about myself to the people around me. However, just as in the past, I still generally keep a part of me closed off as a sort of protection or cautionary measure. But it is time to get this off my mind. Sadly, in the past few months, I have had more friends than I would like dealing with some serious life issues and situations. The rigors of life have been defeating them and all I have been able to do is sit back and watch as their worlds came crashing down. I do my best to help but there is not really much that I can do besides encourage them to stay strong mentally and stay committed to their faith and spirituality (I don’t normally discuss religion in my posts…but I am today and likely will in the future.  For those offended by that…well, I am praying for you) I shared my story with one friend and luckily she found strength within my ordeal. My situation helped her see things a bit clearer and encouraged her to develop the will to overcome her seemingly irreparable path that she had been on as of late. So I have decided to share this story with everyone. My hope, and my prayer, is that someone else will find the light in their perpetual darkness after hearing this story.

This is going to be hard, re-visiting this time in my life. This will be a bit a long, so bear with me. But as the tears start to swell sitting her writing this, I know this story will help someone out there. So here we go...

Just over a year ago, I went through one of the roughest times of my life. My chronic extreme anxiety was as bad as ever and many aspects of my life seemed to be failing. For me, being the driven and ambitious individual that I am, to have many portions of my life going so poorly, it was difficult. Also, I am a bit of a control freak and perfectionist. I like things in order and I like them done right. But at this time the more things I tried to control, the worst that situation became. Also, my kidney disease was getting significantly worse without any real reason as to the cause. It was a possibility that a kidney transplant or dialysis was going to be needed by my early-mid 30’s. And my lower back pain was overly intense again which the doctor thought was due to some of the metal from my spinal fusion having come loose. Essentially, everything around me was going wrong and no remedy was working. I was broken. In ever meaning of the word, I was broken. I felt lost and lonely…sad and angry. I was desperate for change but there was no viable end to the pain and hurt in sight.  Every day I would wake up wishing I hadn’t. The anxiety became so intense that I was actually passing out during the attacks and not waking up for hours. In one particular incident I was passed out for nearly 12 hours, in the middle of my bedroom floor. I woke up to my dog lying next to me, whining out of fear and confusion I presume. Countless missed calls and text from people that I had appointments with that day. This wasn’t the only occurrence. In a given week, I would get so worked up from the anxiety that I was losing consciousness at least 3-4 times a week. Sometimes I would be out briefly and other time nearly half the day. My anxiety medication was no match for the attacks I was having. I sought help from a counselor and psychologist, but it didn’t help. Nothing helped. And the misery gained more and more steam in the process. But I wouldn’t let anyone close to me know what was going on. I was embarrassed. After all, I was the fixer. Friends and family came to me with their issues and I helped them overcome. I listened, encouraged, and helped through the problems start to finish. But if I can help others, surely I could help myself…right? So since I couldn’t, there was no way others should know that. They would understand, right? They wouldn’t trust me anymore to be there for them, would they? Reflecting back on that mindset, it was absolutely crazy to think that way. The people that cared about me would surely be able to help or at least just support me through the heartache. But in my mind, no one was able to help. So I acted as such. Each day, I would go to work or to Crossfit, throw a smile on my face and no one would know. Hanging out with friends was just the same as it was when things were “good” in my mind. I had a storm going inside but on the outside I was the same calm and easy going Justin that everyone knew. Talking to my family back home on the phone, they had no clue. I did my best to make sure no one knew the pain in which I was experiencing. But when I was alone, the real story came out. My thoughts would swirl out of control and I was emotionally damaged; lying in the fetal position in bed trembling uncontrollably from the anxiety. Crying and weeping nonstop. Sweating one minute and cold chills the next. Not eating for days at a time…maybe a cup of water if I could keep it down without vomiting. Overall, just a wreck. Couldn't help but think about the future and how I wasn't going to reach my personal and professional goals, or so I thought. What was my financial future going to be like? Am I saving enough money now to be set up for financial ease later in life? Would I ever get married? None of my relationships ever seemed to last despite my efforts that, to me, would be a blessing for any girl to have part of their life. I always go above and beyond for the girl. But yet, things never worked out. Or the girl never wanted to commit long term with me. It had to be me. Maybe I wasn't attractive enough or maybe I wasn't as amazing of a guy as I thought.  No one wants to be with me. Possibly the fact that I’m a big guy…yeah that’s probably it. Oh and sure you’re nice Justin but that’s about all you are. Nothing more. What was my future going to look like? Why can’t I control my anxiety? How could someone so strong be so weak like this right now? My brothers will be ashamed of me. My family won’t understand. When will this hurt end?

Now, I prayed from time to time…but in my mind, at the time, even the Lord couldn't help me. I had been saved and committed my life to Christ the prior Summer and actually had grown quite a bit in my faith. But during this particular time, I strayed from my faith. I was angry at God for allowing me to go through this. How could he? He loves me but is letting this hurt happen? He can’t possibly love me like the church wants me to believe, right? It’s all foolish to me now, but it was a real mindset back then for me.

After months of battling this ordeal I finally sought additional help from my doctor. At this point, I could barely function normally. Constantly tired and weak. No appetite and just as depressed and hopeless feeling as ever. No to mention the loss of consciousness was occurring more and more frequently. Once I saw my doctor, he ran a series of test and was able to see the external and internal toll these anxiety attacks were having on my body. I was so malnourished that he was astonished I had enough energy to even get out of bed each day let alone go about each day as if nothing was wrong. He even considered admitting me into the hospital to get food and fluids in me. I fought him on this, of course. Being admitted meant everyone would know and that could not happen. So he told me that he was mandating I go on vacation. At least 7-10 days with no contact with anyone. Get away and refresh. Take my new meds and just relax and find peace. Only allowed to tell one person where I was going, merely as a precaution in case something happened. He told me that he knew I wouldn’t want to go. But he also told me that my body was in such bad condition that one more brutal anxiety attack and loss of consciousness, could result in me not waking up. My body would literally shut down and I would be gone. Even with this, I still didn’t want to go. Just stubborn and stupid. To his face, I agreed. I just wanted to get out of there. But in my mind there was no way I was going on an extended vacation. I had work to do, it was going to be expensive, I didn’t feel like traveling…the excuses went on and on. That night I called my brother and told him what the doctor said. But I also told him that I wasn’t going and then proceeded to explain my reasons. As he cut me off mid-sentence, his response was direct and firm, “Justin, stop. stop. You are not well. So you’re going.” Shocked and unsure how to respond, I told him even if I wanted to go I couldn’t afford an unplanned 10 day vacation, that’s just not going to happen. His response, “Did you forget what I do for a living?! I have the means to help you so I am paying for this trip. So go figure out where you’re going, send me a dollar amount, and I’ll send the money.” Immediately I was grateful yet incredibly sad. Look at me, having to be bailed out by my younger brother. That’s my job! I am always the responsible one that is the support of my younger brothers, not the other way around. My natural response was to thank him but reject his offer. But coincidentally, his natural response, “I don’t care what you say. Either you plan this trip or Ill plan it for you. But you’re going! Its ok to be vulnerable. Its ok to let others help you. You can’t be our big brother while you’re broken like this. And if anything happens to you and you don’t wake up, what are we going to do then. This family needs you. And your friends need you. So go get well.” After a long pause, and trying to hold back the tears, I agreed. A week later, I was off on vacation.

I went to a few different places. Flew into one area and then drove to others. Kept a very low profile and didn’t interact much with people. Saw a couple close friends that happened to be in the area I was in at the time. Seeing them and witnessing the sadness and emotion they had about everything I was dealing with really hurt me. Genuine care and compassion for me…I know it sounds bizarre that I didn’t think those close to me should care about me in that way, but honestly its how I felt. To me, I was there to help others but no one should care about me. Save that energy for themselves or someone else. But I was wrong and humbled which actually turned out to be good medicine. I didn’t spend much time with these friends. The majority of the time I was on my own. Just thinking and taking in my surroundings. Doing my best to find peace.

On my last night of vacation, the anxiety attacks started again. They hadn’t been too bad at all since I left. In fact, I had days without an attack which was weird because that was all I had come to know over the past months. However, on this night, it was my worse yet. Out of all my anxiety problems from the time I was young until now, this was the worst. Shaking, crying, nose bleeds, vomiting, blurred visions, going in and out of consciousness…it was bad. I remember waking up on the floor drenched in sweat lying in my vomit and blood. I composed myself as best as possible as crawled into my hotel bed. My body felt like it had never felt before. I was never so weak and in pain. I could barely breathe and my heart was racing. I couldn’t help but think that this was it. This was that one attack the doctor warned me about. I wasn’t going to wake up and I was going to be gone. At first, I was scared which heightened the anxiety. Then out of nowhere, in the midst of the crying and panic, I became calm. I had made my peace with the situation. This was how I was supposed to go…so be it. Oddly enough, just as quickly as abandoned my faith once this ordeal started months prior, I had just as quickly reverted back to that faith in this moment. After trying to reach for my cell phone to call Spencer to say good bye, but being too weak to do so, I took a deep breath and just prayed. Prayed. Prayed. It was the only thing my mind thought to do. Almost like a subconscious response. And so, I prayed. I asked the lord to bless my family. Don’t let my mother, father, or brothers hurt too badly from this. Let them know that they were my life and I loved them beyond measure. Bless my mother’s heart and help her overcome. Ease their mourning. Help all my friends remember all the fun times and good memories.  Be sure my dog Riley ends up somewhere safe. Please don’t let those I’ve hurt through all this resent me or hate me. Especially someone in particular…Please help this person understand and know how much I sincerely cared about them and I was so sorry. Bless everyone that knew me and help them deal with my passing and go on to live wonderful and fulfilling lives. I just want everyone to be happy and to be loved. After I prayed, I told God I was read, closed my eyes…and prepared for it all to end.

The next night I woke up! I woke up! Although it was about twenty hours later, I woke up. I was weak and could barely move, but I was awake. I could hardly see from the blurred vision but I was awake. I didn’t die. It wasn’t the end. I woke up.

At that moment, I was confused but even more so, I was astonished at the fact that I was awake. Despite my welcoming of death and actually feeling deaths presence in that room the night before, I woke up. God woke me up. That night I was at my lowest point and I welcomed DEATH...but he had brought me back. It wasn’t time to end. I still had a purpose and a reason to be on this earth and to be with the people I cared about. Then and there I prayed and apologized to God. Over and over again I begged for forgiveness and apologized. Then, I decided that I would never ever again get to this place emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. I will fight! The anxiety, the crazy thoughts, the self-defeating tendencies…never again! I will fight! I’ve always been a fighter…Always stood out from the bunch…The person that always did noteworthy things in his life. The person that embodied an inner strength that was usually unwavering. I am a special person with so much to offer this world and never again would I allow myself to be defeated in that way…I will fight! And so, I did. I came back and was refreshed and reborn in a sense. I still have moments of mild weakness but I fight. I don’t give in. And with this renewed fight burning in me, I grew stronger. My faith has never been deeper…I thank the heavens above every day for Pastor Chris Galanos and the Experience Life staff. They have helped me in ways that I can’t even express with words without getting emotional. My appreciation for life, never better. I fight. I am becoming the person I was destined to be. Sure things happen that get me down or hurt me to my core…but I fight away the anxiety and pain. There are days my anxiety is so bad I don’t want to get out of bed…but I get up anyways. I fight! And damnit, I am a great person. I do have a future. I am good looking man. A good looking husky yet athletically built man at that! I will be successful. Financially, I will be just fine. And as for a special lady in my life one day, it will happen. haha and honestly anyone who knows me knows that any lady would be more than blessed to be with me. I can’t tell you how much it angers me that I ever thought differently, about all of this…Basically, no matter the situation now, I pray and I fight…

So to all my family and friends out there, I don’t share this with you for your pity. I share this so that you will also find your strength during times of trial. You will keep your faith and you will fight. When you just want to give up, keep going. As life is throwing blow after blow at you, keep getting back up and fight. To those of you that have not experienced anything of this magnitude, it can happen. And when it does, you fight! Don’t ever stop fighting.

With love, strength, and blessing to you all.

JPay

Desires and Dreams

In our lives we all have different types of desires and dreams
Sometimes it is nearly impossible to know what they mean
Sure we would want them to be straight forward and clear cut
And often we soon realize that the pursuit can leave us in a rut
But can we afford not to chase the things we want so bad?
After all, this can lead us down a path of going mentally and emotionally mad
It is safe to say that you never know where your efforts will lead
However believing it all will pay off must be part of your creed
Because a life without faith and hope for the better
Is a life in which your purpose and worth have become untethered
Never give up on the dreams and desires you want most
Because once they’re realized it will truly warrant a grand ole boast
Now remember sacrifice and compromise is going to be inevitable
Just know what awaits on the other side will make this fact not so terrible
And since your existence will be changed for the remained of your days
There is nothing left to say except it will be imperative to give HIM all the due praise!
 

Happy Sunday!

JPay

(and yes, I wrote this!)