For the past couple of months I have been feeling as if
something big was going to happen in my life relatively soon. I couldn’t quite
figure out what it was but I was sure something was coming. However, I recently
figured things out…or so I think.
Only a few people close to me know this little tidbit that I
am about to share. For a very long time I had a deep intense fear of
commitment. I wasn’t always
like this though. When it came to relationships, I gave all I had to the girl: Emotionally,
physically, mentally, financially (within reason), and everything else that
goes into a romantic partnership. Making everyday a special day for her was fun
for me. There was nothing more satisfying than doing little things, every single
day, so she knew she was the most wonderful woman in the world to me and no else
made me happy like she did. It was like an inner challenge to always out do my
last doing. However, there was that one girl that broke me. She was the
first and has been the last since that time. When I say she broke me, I mean
exactly that. I wasn’t right for a long while. There’s no need to go into
details about what happened. Just know it took me nearly a year to get back to
my old self. I was so angry with her but even more disgusted in my own self for
allowing someone to have that type of power over me. That was a dark time in my
life. I wasn’t Justin. I wasn’t the guy everyone had come to know and admire. I
was plagued with bitterness and hurt. Unable to push it all aside and move
forward. I woke up one morning and hated everything about my life at the time.
Another issue for me, is the fact that there are so many
loveless and negative relationships today. I know multiple couples that
sincerely dislike one another. But instead of breaking up and facing reality,
they stay together out of convenience. This was clear in my parents’ marriage.
They got to a point where love was long gone and they were simply dealing with
one another. They probably thought if they faked it, my brothers and I wouldn’t
know. But we knew. There was nothing there anymore. Luckily they are now
divorced and can stop the lies. Other married couples I know are the same way.
Day after day they go to a cold loveless home. You walk in their house and you
can feel the animosity between them just suffocating everyone. Now, I know married
couples go through rough times. And marriage is damn hard. However, you can
tell when two people are dealing with the bad but their love is still intact.
And you can tell when two people have clearly fallen out of love. It is these
individuals that add fuel to my relationship issues. Divorce, for me, is not an
option. I believe that the long lasting and grueling love that my grandparents
had is still possible. It takes a lot more that I am even aware of right now.
But I am committed to that type of love. To see people get divorced so easily
these days makes me weary though. What if I’m not different? What if that is my
fate too? To be married for 20+ years and then get divorced is crazy to me. You
were happy together once, you can be happy together again. Work, you have to
work for it. I will say though that cheating is something I will never stand
for. So if my wife decides to do that, we will be done. I’ve seen firsthand
what that can do to a family and mark my words, I will NEVER accept it, ever! And
don’t tell me you have to be married first to really know if you will accept it
or not. I respectfully disagree. It will NEVER be something I tolerate. Just to
make that clear. Anyways, where was I? Yes, a loveless and dull relationship is
not on option for me. When I find that special girl that makes me change my
mind about guarding my feelings and keeping one foot in and one out, we are in
it for the long haul. And it will be amazing.
With all that said. Remember I said I have had this feeling that
something big was coming. Well, I really do think I figured it out. It did not come
easy. A lot of prayer, personal reflection, and with the help of this book I am
reading, it seems to all be clear to me now. It is weird to say, but I am
ready. Ready to let my guard down and find…the one. I am finally in a place
personally and emotionally where I am ready to take the next step and settle
down with someone special and start a new life together. I want to push aside
my fear of commitment and my uneasiness with serious relationships and take
that step. This may seem to most as not being a big deal. However, for me, this
is a HUGE deal. You have no clue, this time last year or even 6 months ago, how
far away from this mindset I was. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true.
Constantly liking one girl after another and always having my eye on someone
who was going to be “the one.” It was all a lie. None of those girls mattered
to me. There has only been one in nearly two years that I thought things might
go somewhere. It wasn’t that long ago and I really truly care about this girl,
still to this day. She is an amazing friend that I hold very high in my life.
But even that didn’t pan out for the two us. So what was I to think? Even with
someone that things should be very good with, as far as a relationship, they didn’t
work out. But I am ready. It is time and
I am ready to allow myself to let it happen when the time is right. No more
pulling away when those deep feelings arise. Now, please note, this isn’t going
to happen tomorrow, next week, or likely anytime soon. It will definitely be a
process. And I will be moving extremely slow so I can filter the quality women
from the ones that will just be a waste of my time. And by that, I mean I know
we have no sort of future together. Who knows though, that special girl may already
be in my life in some way. “The one” may be reading this blog right now. I have
no clue who she is or where she is. However, I do know I am ready to be with her.
It’s funny; many of my friends my age that are married or engaged always tell
me that they just knew when the time was right. Until now I thought they were
crazy. Of course I wished them nothing but happiness and love but it just didn’t
seem to be like something for me. To me you just didn’t go from being single or
in a casual/semi-serious relationship to just knowing it was time to take the
next step with that person. Life didn’t work like that, at least not in my
mind. You had to be well established personally and professionally before
thoughts of settling down were to ever be in your mind. But, admittedly, I was
wrong.
So here is to taking the next step in life. Finally letting go
of more of my past and accepting the blessings that are in store for my future…and
the future Mrs. Justin Paysinger ;-)
Justin
