I am ready to take the next step in life...but im nervous!

For the past couple of months I have been feeling as if something big was going to happen in my life relatively soon. I couldn’t quite figure out what it was but I was sure something was coming. However, I recently figured things out…or so I think. 

Only a few people close to me know this little tidbit that I am about to share. For a very long time I had a deep intense fear of commitment. I wasn’t always like this though. When it came to relationships, I gave all I had to the girl: Emotionally, physically, mentally, financially (within reason), and everything else that goes into a romantic partnership. Making everyday a special day for her was fun for me. There was nothing more satisfying than doing little things, every single day, so she knew she was the most wonderful woman in the world to me and no else made me happy like she did. It was like an inner challenge to always out do my last doing. However, there was that one girl that broke me. She was the first and has been the last since that time. When I say she broke me, I mean exactly that. I wasn’t right for a long while. There’s no need to go into details about what happened. Just know it took me nearly a year to get back to my old self. I was so angry with her but even more disgusted in my own self for allowing someone to have that type of power over me. That was a dark time in my life. I wasn’t Justin. I wasn’t the guy everyone had come to know and admire. I was plagued with bitterness and hurt. Unable to push it all aside and move forward. I woke up one morning and hated everything about my life at the time.

Another issue for me, is the fact that there are so many loveless and negative relationships today. I know multiple couples that sincerely dislike one another. But instead of breaking up and facing reality, they stay together out of convenience. This was clear in my parents’ marriage. They got to a point where love was long gone and they were simply dealing with one another. They probably thought if they faked it, my brothers and I wouldn’t know. But we knew. There was nothing there anymore. Luckily they are now divorced and can stop the lies. Other married couples I know are the same way. Day after day they go to a cold loveless home. You walk in their house and you can feel the animosity between them just suffocating everyone. Now, I know married couples go through rough times. And marriage is damn hard. However, you can tell when two people are dealing with the bad but their love is still intact. And you can tell when two people have clearly fallen out of love. It is these individuals that add fuel to my relationship issues. Divorce, for me, is not an option. I believe that the long lasting and grueling love that my grandparents had is still possible. It takes a lot more that I am even aware of right now. But I am committed to that type of love. To see people get divorced so easily these days makes me weary though. What if I’m not different? What if that is my fate too? To be married for 20+ years and then get divorced is crazy to me. You were happy together once, you can be happy together again. Work, you have to work for it. I will say though that cheating is something I will never stand for. So if my wife decides to do that, we will be done. I’ve seen firsthand what that can do to a family and mark my words, I will NEVER accept it, ever! And don’t tell me you have to be married first to really know if you will accept it or not. I respectfully disagree. It will NEVER be something I tolerate. Just to make that clear. Anyways, where was I? Yes, a loveless and dull relationship is not on option for me. When I find that special girl that makes me change my mind about guarding my feelings and keeping one foot in and one out, we are in it for the long haul. And it will be amazing. 

With all that said. Remember I said I have had this feeling that something big was coming. Well, I really do think I figured it out. It did not come easy. A lot of prayer, personal reflection, and with the help of this book I am reading, it seems to all be clear to me now. It is weird to say, but I am ready. Ready to let my guard down and find…the one. I am finally in a place personally and emotionally where I am ready to take the next step and settle down with someone special and start a new life together. I want to push aside my fear of commitment and my uneasiness with serious relationships and take that step. This may seem to most as not being a big deal. However, for me, this is a HUGE deal. You have no clue, this time last year or even 6 months ago, how far away from this mindset I was. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. Constantly liking one girl after another and always having my eye on someone who was going to be “the one.” It was all a lie. None of those girls mattered to me. There has only been one in nearly two years that I thought things might go somewhere. It wasn’t that long ago and I really truly care about this girl, still to this day. She is an amazing friend that I hold very high in my life. But even that didn’t pan out for the two us. So what was I to think? Even with someone that things should be very good with, as far as a relationship, they didn’t work out.  But I am ready. It is time and I am ready to allow myself to let it happen when the time is right. No more pulling away when those deep feelings arise. Now, please note, this isn’t going to happen tomorrow, next week, or likely anytime soon. It will definitely be a process. And I will be moving extremely slow so I can filter the quality women from the ones that will just be a waste of my time. And by that, I mean I know we have no sort of future together. Who knows though, that special girl may already be in my life in some way. “The one” may be reading this blog right now. I have no clue who she is or where she is. However, I do know I am ready to be with her. It’s funny; many of my friends my age that are married or engaged always tell me that they just knew when the time was right. Until now I thought they were crazy. Of course I wished them nothing but happiness and love but it just didn’t seem to be like something for me. To me you just didn’t go from being single or in a casual/semi-serious relationship to just knowing it was time to take the next step with that person. Life didn’t work like that, at least not in my mind. You had to be well established personally and professionally before thoughts of settling down were to ever be in your mind. But, admittedly, I was wrong. 

So here is to taking the next step in life. Finally letting go of more of my past and accepting the blessings that are in store for my future…and the future Mrs. Justin Paysinger ;-) 

Justin